Saturday, October 20, 2012

Grits, mystery food

Shamelessly stole this from James Bell, of the Spartan Times Facebook page. 
Where did grits come from? Nobody knows. Some folks believe grits are grown on bushes and are harvested by midgets by shaking the bushes after spreading sheets around them.

Many people feel that grits are made from ground up bits of white corn. These are obviously lies spread by Communists and terrorists. Nothing as good as a Grits can be made from corn.

Others claim that the mysterious Manna that God rained down upon the Israelites during their time in the Sinai Desert was most likely Grits.

Critics disagree, stating that there is no record of biscuits, butter, salt, and red eye gravy raining down from the sky, and that God would not punish his people by forcing them to eat Grits!

How Grits are Formed.

Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction: Grits are formed deep underground under intense heat and pressure. It takes over 1000 years to form a single Grit. Most of the world's grit mines are in South Carolina , and are guarded day and night by armed guards and pit bull dogs.

Harvesting the Grit is a dangerous occupation, and many Grit miners lose their lives each year so that Grits can continue to be served morning after morning for breakfast (not that having Grits for lunch and dinner is out of the question).

Yankees have attempted to create a synthetic Grits. They call them Cream of Wheat. As far as we can tell the key ingredients of Cream of Wheat are Elmer's Glue and shredded Styrofoam. These synthetic grits have also been shown to cause nausea, and may leave you unable to have children.

Historical Grits

As we mentioned earlier, the first known mention of the Grits was by the Ancient Israelites in the Sinai Desert . After that, the Grits was not heard from for another 1000 years. Experts feel that the Grits was used during this time only during secret religious ceremonies, and was kept from the public due to it's rarity.

The next mention of the Grits was found amidst the ruins of the ancient city of Pompeii in a woman's personal diary. The woman's name was Herculaneum Jemimaneus (Aunt Jemima to her friends.)

The 10 Commandments of Grits

I. Thou shalt not put syrup on thy Grits

II. Thou shalt not eat thy Grits with a spoon or knife

III. Thou shalt not eat Cream of Wheat and call it Grits, for this is blasphemy

IV. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors Grits

V. Thou shalt use only Salt, Butter, and red eye gravy as toppings for thy Grits

VI. Thou shalt not eat Instant Grits

VII. Thou shalt not put ketchup on thy Grits

VIII. Thou shalt not put margarine on thy Grits.

IX. Thou shalt not eat toast with thy Grits, only biscuits made from scratch .

X. Thou shalt eat grits on the Sabbath for this is manna from heaven.

How to Cook Grits

For one serving of Grits:

Boil 1.5 cups of water with salt and a little butter.

Add 5 TBsp of Grits.

Reduce to a simmer and allow the Grits to soak up all the water.

When a pencil stuck into the grits stands alone, it is done. That's all there is to cooking grits.

How to make red eye gravy

Fry salt cured country ham in cast iron pan. Remove the ham when done and add coffee to the gravy and simmer for several minutes. Great on grits and biscuits.

How to Eat Grits

Immediately after removing your grits from the stove top, add a generous portion of butter or red eye gravy. (WARNING: Do NOT use low-fat butter.) The butter should cause the Grits to turn a wondrous shade of yellow. (Hold a banana or a yellow rain slicker next to your Grits; if the colors match, you have the correct amount of butter.)

In lieu of butter, pour a generous helping of red eye gravy on your grits. Be sure to pour enough to have some left for sopping up with your biscuits. Never, ever substitute canned or store bought biscuits for the real thing because they caused cancer, rotten teeth and impotence.

Next, add salt. (NOTICE: The correct ration of Grit to Salt is 10:1 Therefore for every 10 grits, you should have 1 grain of salt.)

Now begin eating your grits.

Always use a fork, never a spoon, to eat Grits. Your grits should be thick enough so they do not run through the tines of the fork.

The correct beverage to serve with Grits is black coffee.

DO NOT use cream or, heaven forbid, Skim Milk.)

Your grits should never be eaten in a bowl because Yankees will think its Cream of Wheat.

Ways to Eat Leftover Grits:

(Leftover grits are extremely rare)

Spread them in the bottom of a casserole dish,

Cover and place them in the refrigerator overnight.

The Grits will congeal into a gelatinous mass.

Next morning, slice the Grits into squares and fry them in 1/2' of cooking oil and butter until they turn a golden brown.

Many people are tempted to pour syrup onto Grits served this way. This is, of course, unacceptable.


Bless these grits, May no Yankee ever get the recipe, May I eat grits every day while living, And may I die while eating grits!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Hallowe'en Thoughts

This business of decorating lawns for Hallowe'en is a mystery to me. If you are one who does, I'm not trying to question your motives or your sanity, I just don't understand it. Even Christmas lawn decor goes to excess, seeming to say "Look how rich we are!"

An older couple down the street doesn't bother taking down decorations for one holiday before moving into the next. Picture the angel with wings and a trumpet, tooting toward Saint Patrick, who seems to have joined the wise men and the baby Jesus in the stable at Bethlehem, with the Easter Bunny close by visiting with Grinch. Ghosts and goblins are dancing around a large Uncle Sam, who is smiling at a giant turkey. The Peanuts gang is all here, skating around on a sheet of plastic. They are all lit up and mostly animated. Now this isn't just slovenliness; the owners have to move them around to mow the grass, so they really want them all out there. Do I need to say music plays in the evening?

I quit Hallowe'en several years ago. The cute little angels and cowboys sent out by the parents to beg candy from strangers was bad enough. The teenagers with their pants at half mast had a hard time holding up their britches while smoking and begging at the same time. The last straw was the fat Mama with a gaggle of children who pushed them out of the way and scooped every last candy from my tray into her pillowcase. She actually said "There, you little bastards, that's how you trick or treat!"

If you're looking for us this year, we are sitting in the dark with the shades drawn, pretending we're not at home.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Inconsistent Prior Statement

Every trial lawyer looks forward to catching an adverse witness in a fib. The juiciest way to impeach a fibber is by catching him in a "prior inconsistent statement." Best example is when the witness testifies on the stand that the light was green when he started through the intersection. He had told the policeman at the accident scene that it was red, or that he didn't notice. Either way, you pounce with the "Are you lying now, or were you lying then?" zinger.

This is why election years are so frustrating for us spectators. Mr. Romney, you are telling us that you will not support laws limiting abortion? Didn't you tell us a couple of months ago that you would abolish Planned Parenthood because of its support for abortion education, among many other services? Haven't you shifted your position on many issues to attract more mainstream, less Tea Party voters?

We actually kind of like the new, moderate Mitt. But there's this uncomfortable feeling that we don't really know you. We're not sure if what you say is what you mean, or what you will mean tomorrow. Mitt, were you lying then, or are you lying now?